As the weather cools down, dating heats up as people secure a cuddle buddy for “cuffing season,” but for some, taking a slower approach may be the best strategy.
A “slowmance” is the idea of taking an intentionally slower pace than what many might think of as “the norm” in the dating world, Mere Abrams, a therapist at FOLX Health, told CBS News.
“There can be a tendency to go really deep, really quickly,” Abrams said, but a slowmance focuses on “keeping things light and fun for a while before we get into those deep topics like family, past trauma, challenges in life.”
While anyone can try this strategy at any time, the added pressure and stress of the holidays can make this approach especially beneficial this time of year— and particularly for LGBTQ folks who may face unique challenges.
“There’s a lot of reasons why someone might want a slowmance — they might really want to build that foundation first before going deep. They might want to keep things light. They might also have parts of themselves so they’re not ready to share. If there’s someone who’s in the midst of gender transition, keeping things slow while they’re going through their own changes and process,” Abrams said, adding having that joyous connection may act as an escape to “get your mind off the harder parts of this season and the harder parts of life.”
In a report published by dating app Hinge earlier this year, the “slowmance” approach was identified as becoming increasingly popular among LGBTQ daters no matter the season.
“Dating can be especially complex for queer daters for many reasons. Opting for a slowmance helps LGBTQIA+ daters cultivate emotional intimacy and build the strong foundation necessary to navigate those complexities,” Moe Ari Brown, Hinge’s love and connection expert and licensed therapist, said in a news release about the report.
Abrams said this approach can be “beneficial for everyone,” however, by offering a different approach to the typical “rules” of dating.
“For cis and straight people, there’s also sometimes a pressure for the relationship to go at a particular pace, and sometimes that works for people, and sometimes that doesn’t. So having this term and this concept and this framework to do things differently, I think is helpful for everyone,” Abrams said.
Tips for approaching a slowmance
Communicate: Being open and direct about what you’re looking for is key, Abrams said. “Being on the same page about the rate at which they want things to go is really important for kind of setting yourself up for success in this area,” they said.
Keep convos light: Instead of bringing up topics that might be typical on a first date like family, exes and more, remember that you can steer clear of the serious stuff and keep the conversation casual.
Consider boundaries: Think about your own tendencies in relationships and the boundaries that you might want to set up, so you “don’t fall into the pattern of going deep too quickly if that is something that you have done in the past,” Abrams said.
Focus on fun: Remember the goal of a slowmance is to focus on joy, Abrams said, so lean into adventure, fun and flirtation.
Leave a Reply